My husband Bronson and my cool grandmother indulged my fascination with polygamists this summer on an impromptu trip to Hilldale, Utah (where FLDS is headquartered).

The best part was standing in line at the grocery store with a few of the polygamist wives—their hair all doused in Aqua Net, donning the customary pastel dresses.

You don’t have to be a native to experience the polygamist lifestyle up close. Identity Tours is a Utah-based company started by two brothers, Heber and Richard, who were exiled from the FLDS in 2003 by now jailed church leader (and convicted rapist) Warren Jeffs. On the 4-hour bus tour, titled “The Polygamy Experience: A Guided Tour of Colorado City,” Richard Holm answers questions about the history and traditions of the legendary polygamist community. (more…)

Here’s a nice yoga routine brought together by Barry Ennis, a yoga instructor in the L.A. area. He comes to me via a client who recommended him highly. Namaste.

GROWING UP, I used to pretend that my red Radio Flyer was my very own car. I’d take imaginary trips to see my grandmother in southern Utah, holding an invisible steering wheel as I guided the “car” along each bend in the road. When I arrived at her house, I never wanted to leave.

Some things never change.

On my shoulder is a tattoo from Where the Wild Things Are. It’s the story of Max, a mischievous boy who goes on a scary adventure in a jungle far from home. He dances with monsters, who crown him “king of the wild things.”  We named our Yorkshire Terrier after him.

Max has come to symbolize my journey through life. After high school, I needed to get out of Utah. I didn’t know how to deal with the reality that I was into guys. After college, I moved to LA and launched HERO Magazine. Maybe then they’ll accept me, I thought. I spent the better part of a decade chasing that.

In the wake of my mom’s health, that seems so distant and unimportant now.

There’s this flood of conflicting emotions inside me; I’m still in a daze.
I’m angry that we’ve essentially lost 12 years: we’ll never get them back.
I feel guilty: did I contribute to her cancer?

I’m coming to grip with that line in Fight Club:

This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.

I’m overwhelmed by all the love and support, and at the same time I’m not very good at accepting help. Ironically, the concern of loved ones causes me to retreat deeper into the jungle.

Fortunately, Where the Wild Things Are ends on an up note: Max eventually gets lonely and returns home to his room and finds a hot supper waiting for him.

Like Max, these past seven days have taught me that no matter how hard you try, you can’t run away from home.

Let unconquerable gladness dwell.” -Max & Churchill

AFTER WEEKS OF APARTMENT HUNTING, and finding a charming new abode for Bronson’s mom in West Hollywood proper, we’ve started de-cluttering and packing in preparation for Move #1, which will occur in 27 days.  (Bronson’s blogged about the foreclosure and what it means for us).

Moving is the third most stressful life event after death and divorce. As a trainer who knows first hard the deleterious effects of stress on hard-earned lean body mass, I’m all about keeping stress to a minimum when it’s time to change your address.  We’re working with a lady to arrange a rummage sale, playing with the dogs more, and trying to keep a sense of humor about it all.

I’ve used this moving company a few times. The best part are the reusable blue plastic boxes they drop off (with a $300 deposit) and pick up when you’re all done. Another company is doing something similar. How’s that for a green move?

P.S. — If you need to do a little spring cleaning, I can’t recommend Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui highly enough. Practical, not mystical, the easy read has helped me really “let go” of possessions and things that were no longer serving me. I’ve probably bought a dozen copies, and invariably always end up giving it away to someone who tells me that it also changed his/her life.

Eric (left) and Bronson on our pre-Oscar party warehouse shopping trip to Costco.

Borne of her desire not to “subsist on lemon water in the middle of winter,” Actress Gwyneth Paltrow asked her physician, a detox diet specialist, for an alternative to the Master Cleanse, (which is so two years ago). Says Gwyneth:

“[My doctor] actually thinks that the Master Cleanse can be dangerous because the liver is not supported by the nutrients it needs. What it came down to was this: you can detox easily and effectively while you continue to eat as long as you are cutting out the foods and other substances that interfere with the detoxification process.”

The cleanse itself focuses on antioxidant heavy smoothies and lots of spicy soups (like the watercress miso) and steamy herbal tea. Clients who have actually done the cleanse enjoyed the cucumber mojito and miso soup.

You can find the complete weekly menu (and obligatory medical warnings) here.

If you’re on Facebook, you’ve likely been “tagged” with this Internet meme, in which you’re supposed to share 25 things, facts, habits or goals that your friends don’t know about you. Like a chain letter, you choose 25 people to be tagged, (tagging the person who tagged you). If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

Here’s my list:

1. I moved to Los Angeles 12 years ago, and while I’ve found so much success and happiness here, I miss living in a smaller town.
2. I’m trying on the idea of a life without shame.
3. A quote that’s really stuck with me:
   “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” (Eleanor Roosevelt).
4. I’m planning to enter a bodybuilding competition this year to uncover what’s physically possible if I honestly cleaned up my nutrition. I’m using a great website to track my nutrition (thanks, Eric).
5. At 6-foot-3-inches and 230 pounds, I’m somewhat clumsy and struggle with spatial awareness. Like, this week while training a client, I nearly tipped over backwards when I tripped over my own foot. Luckily, I caught myself.
6. After eight years bleaching my hair, I’m making a conscious choice to embrace the gray, a la Anderson Cooper.
7. Sex, sunsets, Bronson, and licorice. What more does a guy need?
8. I love film scores, and they’ve formed the soundtracks to many periods of my life. A few of my favorites: Brokeback Mountain, Moulin Rouge, and Run Lola Run.
9. I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich pretty much every day.
10. My favorite food used to be chicken fajitas, but it’s been replaced by my mother-in-law’s slum gullion, which is sublime.
11. I consider myself a Zen Christian, a term coined by my college journalism professor Michael Kirkhorn (R.I.P.) On that note, I believe that a historical person named Jesus existed, but I don’t believe he was the only manifestation of the divine. I believe there are many names for what we call “God” and that no one religious sect has a corner on the truth.
12. Speaking of college, I attended Gonzaga University in Spokane, known for its basketball team. After graduating with a double major in speech and journalism, I made ends meet working as a funeral singer.
13. I’ve performed in the following operas:  Die Fledermaus, the Ballad of Baby Doe, and La Boheme.  I’ve auditioned for both the Metropolitan and Los Angeles Opera companies.
14. The habit I’d most like to break is biting my cuticles.
15. I found a copy of Playgirl when I was 5, and shoplifted a red Speedo at age 13. Seven years later, at age 22, I came out as a gay man. I was diagnosed HIV+ at 29, after a year of performing in adult films. I’m not implying any kind of cause and effect—that’s just the timeline.  I have no regrets.
16. For the last five years, I’ve been working full time as a personal trainer. My decision to become a trainer was directly informed by my desire to take my health and fitness more seriously in the wake of the above diagnosis. But, I’m not perfect and I’m always trying to find balance and get out of my own way.
17. If I forget my headphones in the gym, I’m screwed. I work out almost every weekday, but I don’t do enough cardio. As a way to keep me accountable, I started posting photographs of the LED screen from my time on the cardio machines to my Facebook profile.
18. I’m rethinking how I feel about the terms “fag” and “queer.”  I get the whole “reclaiming the word” thing, but I reject that the words ever belonged to the gay community in the first place. How can a pejorative term ever be reconstituted as positive?
19. The physical accomplishment of which I’m the proudest is completing the 2000 AIDSRide from San Francisco to Los Angeles, which took 7 days and a whole lot of Gatorade.
20. The first book I remember reading is Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak, but I don’t really like fiction.  I have a tattoo of  the main character, “wild” Max, on my right shoulder.  My second tattoo (the word “Discipline” across my back) took four hours. The tattoos taken together represent for me the dynamic tension of my life experience.
21. The last book I read was Where’s My Fifteen Minutes by Howard Bragman—a really great read.
22. My favorite sound are “I’m home,” which is tied with the sound of a rainstorm pounding against the roof.  The two together?  Heaven.
23. My favorite quote of all time:
    “I want to beg you, as much as I can, be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves—they are like locked rooms or books written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you now because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live some distant day into the answer.” (Rainer Maria Rilke,  Letters to a Young Poet).
24. I don’t agree with Rush Limbaugh or Dr. Laura, but I listen to both of them. Show me an absolutist and I’ll show you a hypocrite.
25. Everyone should work in a bar at least once. It’s a microcosm for the whole world. Also, there’s no place on Earth more humbling than a porn set.

We had a great time last night (trying) to two-step and stayed up way past our bedtime at Oilcan Harry’s, a gay country western bar located in Studio City.  There were lots of hot cowboys in tight jeans, and our great friends Joseph Argazzi and Sonny Koerner were along for the ride. Sonny’s buddies, Bo and Lou, graciously gave us a crash course in country western two-stepping.