My mantra of the moment: “Beyond our ideas of right and wrong, there lies a field.  I’ll meet you there.” -Rumi

Snow Canyon was one of my favorite places as a kid. On March 17, 2009, Bronson got to experience it for the first time, along with my grandmother.  —Sam

This was sent to me by a friend on his 40th birthday…

• Just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
• We don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
• No matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
• True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
• You can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
• It’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
• You should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
• You can keep going long after you think you can’t.
• You are responsible for what you do, no matter how you feel.
• Either you control your attitude or it controls you.
• Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
• Money is a lousy way of keeping score.
• Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.
• Sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
• Maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
• It isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
• No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
• Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
• Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
• Even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you—you will find the strength to help.
• Credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
• The people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

GROWING UP, I used to pretend that my red Radio Flyer was my very own car. I’d take imaginary trips to see my grandmother in southern Utah, holding an invisible steering wheel as I guided the “car” along each bend in the road. When I arrived at her house, I never wanted to leave.

Some things never change.

On my shoulder is a tattoo from Where the Wild Things Are. It’s the story of Max, a mischievous boy who goes on a scary adventure in a jungle far from home. He dances with monsters, who crown him “king of the wild things.”  We named our Yorkshire Terrier after him.

Max has come to symbolize my journey through life. After high school, I needed to get out of Utah. I didn’t know how to deal with the reality that I was into guys. After college, I moved to LA and launched HERO Magazine. Maybe then they’ll accept me, I thought. I spent the better part of a decade chasing that.

In the wake of my mom’s health, that seems so distant and unimportant now.

There’s this flood of conflicting emotions inside me; I’m still in a daze.
I’m angry that we’ve essentially lost 12 years: we’ll never get them back.
I feel guilty: did I contribute to her cancer?

I’m coming to grip with that line in Fight Club:

This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.

I’m overwhelmed by all the love and support, and at the same time I’m not very good at accepting help. Ironically, the concern of loved ones causes me to retreat deeper into the jungle.

Fortunately, Where the Wild Things Are ends on an up note: Max eventually gets lonely and returns home to his room and finds a hot supper waiting for him.

Like Max, these past seven days have taught me that no matter how hard you try, you can’t run away from home.

Eric (left) and Bronson on our pre-Oscar party warehouse shopping trip to Costco.

THERE ARE HOTELS THAT FEEL PRETENTIOUS and there those rarer destinations that feel like home, kind of like an episode of déjà vu. After at least a dozen weekend trips to Palm Springs in as many years, the spankin’ new Ace Hotel and Swim Club ranks at the top of my list for getting nearly everything “right.”

Well Done Thing #1: The Marketing. I found their stylishly designed matte postcard at my local Rudy’s barbershop in Silverlake. That should have been my first clue that my husband and I were in for a truly “underground” treat. We were indeed, with a standard $89 room (upgraded for no additional charge by Jesse upon arrival). Cool lobby details: Fake deer antlers, the Scoutmaster handbook, and a photo booth.

Well Done Thing #2: The Rooms. Think “the W goes camping.” A huge, comfy bed. Slatted walls for hooks, bathrobes and magazine clippings. A big flatscreen TV with high speed Internet (included) and a roomy shower with an enormous rain-style can showerhead. Canvas-covered walls with grommetted canvas flaps instead of curtains. Oh and that faux-mini bear rug? Genius.

Well Done Thing #3: The Service. I’ll be damned if we didn’t phone the front desk at 3am for an extra pillow (big boys need two apiece) and they actually brought it to the room within 10 minutes. Much earlier poolside, We asked for a pour of Hendrick’s gin and the waitstaff made it happen. Then there was that seamless upgrade I mentioned earlier. And keep in mind, we were there on opening weekend, when everything’s bound to go wrong.

There were a couple hiccups. The poolside staff hadn’t stocked towels, and the steam/sauna in the Spa wasn’t up and running on our trip. The indoor restaurant wasn’t open (but the outdoor section was pretty much packed on a pretty chilly February night). But these were minor glitches in the Matrix.

The best part about the hotel was that it allowed us to really unwind and find a little peace (and love!)  before returning to the sometimes frenetic, chaotic city life. That’s what a good hotel should be all about. And that’s why the Ace Hotel and Swim Club is all aces, baby.

I mean we love guys who do chores.

If you’re on Facebook, you’ve likely been “tagged” with this Internet meme, in which you’re supposed to share 25 things, facts, habits or goals that your friends don’t know about you. Like a chain letter, you choose 25 people to be tagged, (tagging the person who tagged you). If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

Here’s my list:

1. I moved to Los Angeles 12 years ago, and while I’ve found so much success and happiness here, I miss living in a smaller town.
2. I’m trying on the idea of a life without shame.
3. A quote that’s really stuck with me:
   “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” (Eleanor Roosevelt).
4. I’m planning to enter a bodybuilding competition this year to uncover what’s physically possible if I honestly cleaned up my nutrition. I’m using a great website to track my nutrition (thanks, Eric).
5. At 6-foot-3-inches and 230 pounds, I’m somewhat clumsy and struggle with spatial awareness. Like, this week while training a client, I nearly tipped over backwards when I tripped over my own foot. Luckily, I caught myself.
6. After eight years bleaching my hair, I’m making a conscious choice to embrace the gray, a la Anderson Cooper.
7. Sex, sunsets, Bronson, and licorice. What more does a guy need?
8. I love film scores, and they’ve formed the soundtracks to many periods of my life. A few of my favorites: Brokeback Mountain, Moulin Rouge, and Run Lola Run.
9. I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich pretty much every day.
10. My favorite food used to be chicken fajitas, but it’s been replaced by my mother-in-law’s slum gullion, which is sublime.
11. I consider myself a Zen Christian, a term coined by my college journalism professor Michael Kirkhorn (R.I.P.) On that note, I believe that a historical person named Jesus existed, but I don’t believe he was the only manifestation of the divine. I believe there are many names for what we call “God” and that no one religious sect has a corner on the truth.
12. Speaking of college, I attended Gonzaga University in Spokane, known for its basketball team. After graduating with a double major in speech and journalism, I made ends meet working as a funeral singer.
13. I’ve performed in the following operas:  Die Fledermaus, the Ballad of Baby Doe, and La Boheme.  I’ve auditioned for both the Metropolitan and Los Angeles Opera companies.
14. The habit I’d most like to break is biting my cuticles.
15. I found a copy of Playgirl when I was 5, and shoplifted a red Speedo at age 13. Seven years later, at age 22, I came out as a gay man. I was diagnosed HIV+ at 29, after a year of performing in adult films. I’m not implying any kind of cause and effect—that’s just the timeline.  I have no regrets.
16. For the last five years, I’ve been working full time as a personal trainer. My decision to become a trainer was directly informed by my desire to take my health and fitness more seriously in the wake of the above diagnosis. But, I’m not perfect and I’m always trying to find balance and get out of my own way.
17. If I forget my headphones in the gym, I’m screwed. I work out almost every weekday, but I don’t do enough cardio. As a way to keep me accountable, I started posting photographs of the LED screen from my time on the cardio machines to my Facebook profile.
18. I’m rethinking how I feel about the terms “fag” and “queer.”  I get the whole “reclaiming the word” thing, but I reject that the words ever belonged to the gay community in the first place. How can a pejorative term ever be reconstituted as positive?
19. The physical accomplishment of which I’m the proudest is completing the 2000 AIDSRide from San Francisco to Los Angeles, which took 7 days and a whole lot of Gatorade.
20. The first book I remember reading is Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak, but I don’t really like fiction.  I have a tattoo of  the main character, “wild” Max, on my right shoulder.  My second tattoo (the word “Discipline” across my back) took four hours. The tattoos taken together represent for me the dynamic tension of my life experience.
21. The last book I read was Where’s My Fifteen Minutes by Howard Bragman—a really great read.
22. My favorite sound are “I’m home,” which is tied with the sound of a rainstorm pounding against the roof.  The two together?  Heaven.
23. My favorite quote of all time:
    “I want to beg you, as much as I can, be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves—they are like locked rooms or books written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you now because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live some distant day into the answer.” (Rainer Maria Rilke,  Letters to a Young Poet).
24. I don’t agree with Rush Limbaugh or Dr. Laura, but I listen to both of them. Show me an absolutist and I’ll show you a hypocrite.
25. Everyone should work in a bar at least once. It’s a microcosm for the whole world. Also, there’s no place on Earth more humbling than a porn set.

We had a great time last night (trying) to two-step and stayed up way past our bedtime at Oilcan Harry’s, a gay country western bar located in Studio City.  There were lots of hot cowboys in tight jeans, and our great friends Joseph Argazzi and Sonny Koerner were along for the ride. Sonny’s buddies, Bo and Lou, graciously gave us a crash course in country western two-stepping.